I've learned to love
I've learned a lot of things as a Mom.
I've learned how overwhelming it is to know that you are completely responsible for another living human. How your heart expands beyond reason when you have a child of your own. I've learned how frustrating it can be to deal with things beyond your control, and also how rewarding it is when you can look at your intelligent, clever, beautiful child and hear them say "I love you!"
Last month, I learned something else as a Mom. I re-learned that I utterly dislike being pregnant. I was so, so sick, and in a lot of pain. I also re-learned how exciting it is to plan the growth of your family. And then I learned how much you can love someone that you will never hear, hold, or even see. Our baby was gone before I could even see it on an ultrasound, but for the brief 8 weeks that I carried it, As I felt nauseous and in pain, I loved it. I got so excited, made plans, and told Meggy every day how excited I was for her to be a big sister.
On January 1st, literally minutes after Thomas and I had kissed in the new year, we discovered that I had miscarried. I had suspected something might be wrong, but it was hard when reality struck. We were - are - both upset. Thankfully Thomas is a wonderful man, and even though I know he was torn up inside, he was my rock over the next couple days. He and my Mom told those who knew, leaving me to be able to grieve and process. I decided to continue with my trip to Disney World with my best friend, and it was a good decision. I was distracted, in my favourite place, with one of my favourite people. It didn't stop me from tearing up at random moments, or bawling my way through the Wishes fireworks show, but I was so grateful for the opportunity to be somewhere happy, while I was still processing what was going on with my body.
Now I'm home, back to reality, and trying so hard to come to grips with myself.
I'm not really sure what the point of this post is. I know a miscarriage is a fairly common occurrence, but right now, it doesn't feel that way. It feels extremely personal and traumatic. But when I start complaining, all I can think about is how incredibly blessed I've already been to have one healthy pregnancy, when so many women out there can't even have that.
The one thing I've been able to hold on to throughout this experience, is that I've learned to love. I've learned the love I have for my husband is strong, and lasting. We've been through so much together, and each time I am relieved and blessed to know that we find strength in one another. I've learned how much love I have for my precious Meggy, even when she makes me want to tear my hair out. She's such an amazing person, and I don't know what I did to deserve her choosing me for her Mommy. I've learned that, though I can be frustrated and upset with my Heavenly Father, I can still find the strength to love him, and understand that he loves me too. Even though his timing can seriously suck (seriously, suck) I have faith that everything will work out the way it's supposed to.
And I've learned that I can love someone who I'll never see in this lifetime. And I can continue to have love and hope for any new life that is sent my way.
Ps - For those who are curious, physically, I am ok. I had a Doctor's appointment today with an ultrasound that showed things are progressing 'normally', and my body is doing all the correct things it's supposed to be doing at this point. I'm still healing, inside and out, but the damage this has done is much more emotional than physical.
I've learned how overwhelming it is to know that you are completely responsible for another living human. How your heart expands beyond reason when you have a child of your own. I've learned how frustrating it can be to deal with things beyond your control, and also how rewarding it is when you can look at your intelligent, clever, beautiful child and hear them say "I love you!"
Last month, I learned something else as a Mom. I re-learned that I utterly dislike being pregnant. I was so, so sick, and in a lot of pain. I also re-learned how exciting it is to plan the growth of your family. And then I learned how much you can love someone that you will never hear, hold, or even see. Our baby was gone before I could even see it on an ultrasound, but for the brief 8 weeks that I carried it, As I felt nauseous and in pain, I loved it. I got so excited, made plans, and told Meggy every day how excited I was for her to be a big sister.
On January 1st, literally minutes after Thomas and I had kissed in the new year, we discovered that I had miscarried. I had suspected something might be wrong, but it was hard when reality struck. We were - are - both upset. Thankfully Thomas is a wonderful man, and even though I know he was torn up inside, he was my rock over the next couple days. He and my Mom told those who knew, leaving me to be able to grieve and process. I decided to continue with my trip to Disney World with my best friend, and it was a good decision. I was distracted, in my favourite place, with one of my favourite people. It didn't stop me from tearing up at random moments, or bawling my way through the Wishes fireworks show, but I was so grateful for the opportunity to be somewhere happy, while I was still processing what was going on with my body.
Now I'm home, back to reality, and trying so hard to come to grips with myself.
I'm not really sure what the point of this post is. I know a miscarriage is a fairly common occurrence, but right now, it doesn't feel that way. It feels extremely personal and traumatic. But when I start complaining, all I can think about is how incredibly blessed I've already been to have one healthy pregnancy, when so many women out there can't even have that.
The one thing I've been able to hold on to throughout this experience, is that I've learned to love. I've learned the love I have for my husband is strong, and lasting. We've been through so much together, and each time I am relieved and blessed to know that we find strength in one another. I've learned how much love I have for my precious Meggy, even when she makes me want to tear my hair out. She's such an amazing person, and I don't know what I did to deserve her choosing me for her Mommy. I've learned that, though I can be frustrated and upset with my Heavenly Father, I can still find the strength to love him, and understand that he loves me too. Even though his timing can seriously suck (seriously, suck) I have faith that everything will work out the way it's supposed to.
And I've learned that I can love someone who I'll never see in this lifetime. And I can continue to have love and hope for any new life that is sent my way.
Ps - For those who are curious, physically, I am ok. I had a Doctor's appointment today with an ultrasound that showed things are progressing 'normally', and my body is doing all the correct things it's supposed to be doing at this point. I'm still healing, inside and out, but the damage this has done is much more emotional than physical.
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